Your family automatically heads for the table every time they hear a fire alarm.
Anyone has ever broken a tooth eating your homemade yogurt.
Your kids know what "peas porridge in a pot nine days old" tastes like.
Your son goes outside to make mud pies, and the rest of the family grabs forks and follows him.
Your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting him over for dinner.
Your husband refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.
No matter what you do to it, the gravy still turns bright purple.
(from Good Clean Funny List)
Monday, July 21, 2008
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Monday, July 14, 2008
You're in a Redneck Church if...
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear."
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.
Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear."
Friday, July 11, 2008
25 Easy Ways to Curb the Annoying Problem of Church Growth
(For pastors and other church leaders)
1. Begin your message with the phrase, "You know what's wrong with you people..."
2. Place the student Sunday school space near the "Ruth class" for ladies 70 and above.
3. Move business meetings to Sunday morning and open up the floor by asking, "So does anybody have a beef?"
4. Begin that year-long sermon series on the 40 weeks of Daniel.
5. Place a polygraph machine on the front pew to be used during the invitation time.
6. Place tire puncture strips in the parking lot for cars going the wrong way before Sunday school.
7. Pick a NASCAR driver as your favorite and complain about all the other drivers (this works best in Alabama).
8. Place the roller coaster "You must be this tall" sign at the entrance of the worship center. (And make it stand about 5' 8 1/2")
9. Keep the Christmas pageant livestock in the church choir room year 'round.
10. Announce that on high attendance Sunday, if the goal is met, everyone will kiss the pig!
11. If your auditorium slopes downward to the platform, give every kid under 12 a handful of marbles before the service.
12. Give deacons the ability to "gong" the special music.
13. Place the outdoor welcome center tent a few feet from the septic tank.
14. Replace the pictures of former pastors with pictures of Larry, Moe, and Curly.
15. Start arranging marriages in the singles department.
16. Put a blank for "weight" on the membership information forms.
17. Invite the "cops" crew along during hospital visits.
18. Demand mandatory drug tests for all senior adult excursions.
19. In order to feel relevant, say "Dude" 15 times from the pulpit each Sunday.
20. Have the organist play hockey cheers at pivotal moments of the sermon.
21. Place armed guards in front of the Sunday school supply closet.
22. Before the offertory hymn, have the worship leader scream, "Show me the money!"
23. Charge tolls for the use of restrooms.
24. Illustrate all sermons or Sunday school lessons with scenes from "Walker, Texas Ranger."
25. Use the "American Idol" format for staff hirings.
Written by Matt Tullos. (From the Good Clean Funnies List)
1. Begin your message with the phrase, "You know what's wrong with you people..."
2. Place the student Sunday school space near the "Ruth class" for ladies 70 and above.
3. Move business meetings to Sunday morning and open up the floor by asking, "So does anybody have a beef?"
4. Begin that year-long sermon series on the 40 weeks of Daniel.
5. Place a polygraph machine on the front pew to be used during the invitation time.
6. Place tire puncture strips in the parking lot for cars going the wrong way before Sunday school.
7. Pick a NASCAR driver as your favorite and complain about all the other drivers (this works best in Alabama).
8. Place the roller coaster "You must be this tall" sign at the entrance of the worship center. (And make it stand about 5' 8 1/2")
9. Keep the Christmas pageant livestock in the church choir room year 'round.
10. Announce that on high attendance Sunday, if the goal is met, everyone will kiss the pig!
11. If your auditorium slopes downward to the platform, give every kid under 12 a handful of marbles before the service.
12. Give deacons the ability to "gong" the special music.
13. Place the outdoor welcome center tent a few feet from the septic tank.
14. Replace the pictures of former pastors with pictures of Larry, Moe, and Curly.
15. Start arranging marriages in the singles department.
16. Put a blank for "weight" on the membership information forms.
17. Invite the "cops" crew along during hospital visits.
18. Demand mandatory drug tests for all senior adult excursions.
19. In order to feel relevant, say "Dude" 15 times from the pulpit each Sunday.
20. Have the organist play hockey cheers at pivotal moments of the sermon.
21. Place armed guards in front of the Sunday school supply closet.
22. Before the offertory hymn, have the worship leader scream, "Show me the money!"
23. Charge tolls for the use of restrooms.
24. Illustrate all sermons or Sunday school lessons with scenes from "Walker, Texas Ranger."
25. Use the "American Idol" format for staff hirings.
Written by Matt Tullos. (From the Good Clean Funnies List)
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Ticklepitcher's Turn: Start
Ticklepitcher's Turn? What in the world...? OK - I have a "serious" blog where we discuss weighty issues like missions and ministry, the state of the church today in America, etc. I need a fun place to go and put silly stuff that makes me laugh. If it makes you laugh, great! If not, well my wife still tells me I have a weird sense of humor...
But why Ticklepitcher's Turn? My family has an interesting sense of humor. I believe I inherited my particular sense of humor from my father, Bob Lowman, Sr., and from my great-grandfather, Presley Costner, whom we called Poppy. (Both of these men were actually called Poppy by their grandchildren.)
It was Poppy Costner who first had a cast of characters he talked about regularly, men he said would drop by his farm or he knew from the past. We never saw or could verify the existence of these guys, but they were real, to hear Poppy talk about them. Three in particular I remember: Joe Gabbards, Spizzy Winktum, and John Ticklepitcher. Yes, you can tell by the way the names sound, they were great "fictional" characters. He would talk about these gentlemen, and laugh as he talked.
So...I decided to name this blog "Ticklepitcher's Turn" to indicate that here is a place where having fun has it's turn...where we can be silly, laugh, smile, guffaw, and otherwise celebrate the gift of life God has given us.
Visit Ticklepitcher's Turn as often as you like...I hope to have something new here pretty often. It may be a picture, it may be a joke, it may be a story from "real" life...but I hope it makes you smile, at least.
Here goes...
But why Ticklepitcher's Turn? My family has an interesting sense of humor. I believe I inherited my particular sense of humor from my father, Bob Lowman, Sr., and from my great-grandfather, Presley Costner, whom we called Poppy. (Both of these men were actually called Poppy by their grandchildren.)
It was Poppy Costner who first had a cast of characters he talked about regularly, men he said would drop by his farm or he knew from the past. We never saw or could verify the existence of these guys, but they were real, to hear Poppy talk about them. Three in particular I remember: Joe Gabbards, Spizzy Winktum, and John Ticklepitcher. Yes, you can tell by the way the names sound, they were great "fictional" characters. He would talk about these gentlemen, and laugh as he talked.
So...I decided to name this blog "Ticklepitcher's Turn" to indicate that here is a place where having fun has it's turn...where we can be silly, laugh, smile, guffaw, and otherwise celebrate the gift of life God has given us.
Visit Ticklepitcher's Turn as often as you like...I hope to have something new here pretty often. It may be a picture, it may be a joke, it may be a story from "real" life...but I hope it makes you smile, at least.
Here goes...
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