Ticklepitcher's Turn

2011-07-28T11:13:00.001-07:00

Paraprosdokians #2

2011-06-01T17:27:00.000-07:00

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you will be a mile away and he won’t have any shoes.

Paraprosdokians

2011-05-29T16:08:00.000-07:00

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. Check out the following for examples:

I asked God for a bike, but then I realized He doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked Him for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse always gets the cheese.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of a pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, "In an emergency, notify:" I always put, "DOCTOR."

I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but always check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You definitely need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some darned good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Hospitality: Making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

(More to come!)

Saturday Humor

2011-05-14T12:14:00.000-07:00

It All Comes Back Around

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 17 success is . . . having a driver's license.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 70 success is . . . having a driver's license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

It Started With An iPhone

March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday and I got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.

September came by, so for my wife's birthday I bought her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started...

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean. This unfortunately activated the iNag app.

Which led me to the iHospital and iGet out Thursday.

Received from Doug Taylor.

------------------------------

The Apprentice

Mike graduated from high school and began looking into his career options. He considered private business, university, technical college, and a wide variety of other professions, but eventually he decided on an apprenticeship program for plumbers since it was the only place he could get on-the-job draining.

Received from Stan Kegel.

------------------------------

It's Fixed!

My dad, an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read: "Check for clunking sound when going around corners."

Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk.

Back at the shop, he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this notation: "Remove bowling ball from trunk."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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Elder Age Texting Codes

ATD = at the doctor

BFF = best friend fell

BTW = bring the wheelchair

BYOT = bring your own teeth

FWIW = forgot where I was

GGPBL = gotta go, pacemaker battery low

GHA = got heartburn again

IMHO = is my hearing aid on?

LMDO = laughing my dentures out

OMMR = on my massage recliner

ROFLACGU = rolling on floor laughing and can't get up

Received from RichnAnna.

Interesting Facts for a Lazy Memorial Day Weekend

2010-05-29T10:34:00.001-07:00

1. Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.

2. Pearls melt in vinegar.

3. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

4. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs, but not downstairs.

5. Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.

6. Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.

7. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to test telex/two communications.)

8. The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable."

9. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

10. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

11. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

12. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

13. The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie"
(thus the name of the Don McLean song).

14. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

15. Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."

16. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, 1776: John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until five years later.

17. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

18. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

19. The name "Jeep" came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

20. The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

21. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

22. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

23. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

24. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.

25. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

26. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white.

27. If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.

28. Snails can sleep for three years without eating.

29. Actor Tommy Lee Jones and Vice President Al Gore were freshman roommates at Harvard.

30. The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.

31. Any month that begins on a Sunday will always have a Friday the 13th.

32. James Doohan, who played Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott on Star Trek, was missing the entire middle finger of his right hand.

33. The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

34. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

Received from Trey Nolen.

Dog Breeds That Just Didn't Make It

2010-05-08T15:13:00.001-07:00

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer = Spaniel Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks (or
drools) incessantly

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by ... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work with you

Bloodhound + Borzoi = Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

A Facebook post that made me laugh...

2009-10-01T11:17:00.000-07:00

Today is International Disturbed People's Day. This day is for you. I don't care if you lick windows, take the special bus or occasionally pee on yourself.. You hang in there sunshine, you're special!!!

-posted by Robin C. Burns (Thanks for the smile, Robin!)

"Laws"

2009-07-25T10:21:00.000-07:00

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to use the bathroom.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, or screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last, and they are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, drink, or the bathroom and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. Those in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance and beyond. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Starbucks Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well and make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. Don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Received from Harry Geedy.

The Graveside Service...

2009-06-27T10:12:00.000-07:00

The graveside service had just concluded, when there came a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

More punny stuff from pilots and their mechanics...

2009-06-27T10:00:00.000-07:00

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics any problem they had with the airplane during the flight.
The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then explain in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken.
The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some ‘actual’ maintenance problems submitted by Qantas pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineer)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget

He's so punny...

2009-06-27T09:40:00.000-07:00

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He’s all right now.

Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, “Daddy, I want a new apartment.”

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?
A stick.

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They’re trying to get away from the noise.

You Know You're From A Large Family When...

2009-06-25T07:00:00.001-07:00

Someone asks where are the boys and you answer, which ones?

You say eight different names before you get the right one.

When you have six people in one bedroom.

Everywhere you go people ask, "Are these all yours?"

You take up two pews in church.

You have to double any recipe.

You remember when something happened by what baby was born that year.

You have three bathrooms and they are always full.

Everything you buy at the store is in bulk.

You go through a McDonald's drive-thru and order burgers, and they ask you to repeat your order four times.

You do eight large loads of laundry every day and you are still not done.

You use up two boxes of cereal for breakfast.

The Kohl's Shopping Trip

2009-06-25T06:55:00.000-07:00

Clutching their Kohl's Department Store shopping bags, Ellen and Kay woefully gazed down at a dead cat in the mall parking lot. Obviously a recent hit -- no flies, no smell. "What business could that poor kitty have had here?" murmured Ellen. "Come on, Ellen, let's just go...."

But Ellen had already grabbed her shopping bag and was explaining, "I'll just put my things in your bag, and then I'll use this tissue paper." She dumped her purchases into Kay's bag and then used the tissue paper to cradle and lower the former feline into her own Kohl's bag and cover it. They continued the short trek to the car in silence, stashing their goods in the trunk. But it occurred to both of them that if they left Ellen's burial bag in the trunk, warmed by the Texas sunshine while they ate, Kay's Lumina would soon lose that new-car smell. They decided to leave the bag on top of the trunk, and they headed over to K & W Cafeteria.

After they went through the serving line and they sat down at a window table. They had a view of Kay's Chevy with the Kohl's bag still on the trunk. But not for long!

As they ate, they noticed a woman in a red gingham shirt stroll by their car. She looked quickly this way and that, and then took the Kohl's bag without breaking stride. She quickly walked out of their line of vision. Kay and Ellen shot each other a wide-eyed look of amazement. It all happened so fast that neither of them could think how to respond. "Can you imagine?" finally sputtered Ellen. "The nerve of that woman!" Kay sympathized with Ellen, but inwardly a laugh was building as she thought about the grand surprise awaiting the female thief. Just when she thought she'd have to giggle into her napkin, she noticed Ellen's eyes freeze in the direction of the serving line. Following her gaze, Kay recognized the woman in the red gingham shirt with the Kohl's bag hanging from her arm. She was brazenly pushing her tray toward the cashier.

Helplessly they watched the scene unfold: After leaving the register, the woman settled at a table across from theirs, put the bag on an empty chair and began to eat. After a few bites of baked whitefish and green beans, she casually lifted the bag into her lap to survey her treasure. Looking from side to side, but not far enough to notice her rapt audience three tables over, she pulled out the tissue paper and peered into the bag. Her eyes widened, and she began to make a sort of gasping noise. The noise grew. The bag slid from her lap as she sank to the floor, wheezing and clutching her upper chest. The beverage cart attendant quickly recognized a customer in trouble and sent the busboy to call 911 while she administered the Heimlich maneuver.

A crowd quickly gathered that did not include Ellen and Kay, who remained riveted to their chairs for seven whole minutes until the ambulance arrived. In a matter of minutes, the woman with the red gingham shirt emerged from the crowd, still gasping, and securely strapped on a gurney. Two well-trained EMS volunteers steered her to the waiting ambulance, while a third scooped up her belongings. The last they saw of the distressed cat-burglar was as she disappeared behind the ambulance doors -- the Kohl's bag perched on her stomach!

God does take care of those who do bad things! (AND once in a while He allows us to witness it!)

(Received from GCFL: Good Clean Funny List)

OK - Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

2009-01-03T11:57:00.001-08:00

SARAH PALIN: Before it got to the other side, I shot the chicken, cleaned and dressed it, and had chicken burgers for lunch.

BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!

JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.

HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?

COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now and will remain against it.

AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken doesn't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.

OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed access to the other side of the road.

NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken 2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash or need to be rebooted.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

(from gcfl.net)

Abbott and Costello on Computers...(think "Who's on First?")

2008-09-17T11:56:00.000-07:00

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den, and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses, and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I wan t to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START" ...

Preparing for Election Day...

2008-09-13T19:02:00.000-07:00

If Biblical Headlines were written by Today's Liberal Media...

2008-09-12T05:22:00.000-07:00

To help you keep a proper perspective on headlines you may read in today's newspapers, here are the headlines today's media would write for stories found in the Bible:

On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed

On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock

On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed

On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple

On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD'S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior

On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR'S PRACTICE RUINED
"Faith Healer" Causes Bankruptcy

On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN'S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer's Investment Lost

On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Reading of the Will to be Delayed

(from the Good Clean Funnies List: www.gcfl.org)

2008-09-10T19:17:00.000-07:00

Bathroom Commode or....?

2008-09-10T12:06:00.001-07:00

My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant - especially in her language.

She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for reservations.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities in her letter. She finally came up with the term "Bathroom Commode", and that being even too forward in her eyes, she abbreviated it to "B.C."

The campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about or what B.C. stood for. Finally, he showed the letter to several campers and they all reached the conclusion that the lady must be talking about the local Baptist Church.

So the campground owner sent off the following letter in return:

"Dear Madam:I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at the same time.

I admit that it is quite a distance away and if you are in the habit of going regularly it may seem too far, but, no doubt, you will make a day of it, and you might be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along, so you won't feel alone, as they make a day of it, too.

They usually arrive early and stay late. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there.

It may interest you to know that right now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C.

If you decide to come to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community!"

My Week at the Gym

2008-09-06T14:50:00.000-07:00

For my birthday this year my wife purchased me a week of private lessons at the local health club. Though still in great shape from when I was on the varsity chess team in high school, I decided it was a good idea to go ahead and try it. I called and made reservations with someone named Tanya, who said she is a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and athletic clothing model. My wife seemed very pleased with how enthusiastic I was to get started.

They suggested I keep an "exercise diary" to chart my progress.

Day 1. Started the morning at 6:00 AM. Tough to get up, but worth it when I arrived at the health club and Tanya was waiting for me. This lady is gorgeous, with blond hair and a dazzling white smile. She showed me the machines and took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She seemed a little alarmed that it was so high, but I think just standing next to her in that outfit of hers added about ten points. Enjoyed watching the aerobics class. Tanya was very encouraging as I did my sit ups, though my gut was already aching a little from holding it in the whole time I was talking to her. This is going to be GREAT.

Day 2. Took a whole pot of coffee to get me out the door, but I made it. Tanya had me lie on my back and push this heavy iron bar up into the air. Then she put weights on it, for heaven's sake! Legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made it the full mile. Her smile made it all worth while. Muscles ALL feel GREAT.

Day 3. The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the tooth brush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I am certain that I have developed a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer. I parked on top of a Volkswagen. Tanya was a little impatient with me and said my screaming was bothering the other club members. The treadmill hurt my chest so I did the stair "monster." Why would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by the invention of elevators? Tanya told me regular exercise would make me live longer. I can't imagine anything worse.

Day 4. Tanya was waiting for me with her vampire teeth in a full snarl. I can't help it if I was half an hour late, it took me that long just to tie my shoes. She wanted me to lift dumbbells. Not a chance, Tanya. The word "dumb" must be in there for a reason. I hid in the men's room until she sent Lars looking for me. As punishment she made me try the rowing machine. It sank.

Day 5. I hate Tanya more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. If there was any part of my body not in extreme pain I would hit her with it. She thought it would be a good idea to work on my triceps. Well I have news for you Tanya - I don't have triceps. And if you don't want dents in the floor don't hand me any barbells. I refuse to accept responsibility for the damage, YOU went to sadist school, YOU are to blame. The treadmill flung me back into a science teacher, which hurt like crazy. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like a music teacher or a grandmother?

Day 6. Got Tanya's message on my answering machine, wondering where I am. I lacked the strength to use the TV remote so I watched eleven straight hours of the weather channel.

Day 7. Well, that's the week. Thank goodness that's over. Maybe next time my wife will give me something a little more fun, like a gift certificate for a root canal.

2008-08-25T18:59:00.000-07:00

August One Liners

2008-08-11T19:38:00.000-07:00

Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He's all right now.

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, "Daddy, I want a new apartment.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist

What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.

And what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.

I think the shiny coating is vitamin spread...don't you?

2008-08-09T19:21:00.000-07:00

2008-08-09T19:15:00.000-07:00

You are a Lousy Cook if...

2008-07-21T18:59:00.000-07:00

Your family automatically heads for the table every time they hear a fire alarm.

Anyone has ever broken a tooth eating your homemade yogurt.

Your kids know what "peas porridge in a pot nine days old" tastes like.

Your son goes outside to make mud pies, and the rest of the family grabs forks and follows him.

Your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting him over for dinner.

Your husband refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.

No matter what you do to it, the gravy still turns bright purple.

(from Good Clean Funny List)

2008-07-16T08:18:00.000-07:00

You're in a Redneck Church if...

2008-07-14T18:55:00.001-07:00

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized "Wheeling" washtub.

The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear."

25 Easy Ways to Curb the Annoying Problem of Church Growth

2008-07-11T15:29:00.000-07:00

(For pastors and other church leaders)
1. Begin your message with the phrase, "You know what's wrong with you people..."
2. Place the student Sunday school space near the "Ruth class" for ladies 70 and above.
3. Move business meetings to Sunday morning and open up the floor by asking, "So does anybody have a beef?"
4. Begin that year-long sermon series on the 40 weeks of Daniel.
5. Place a polygraph machine on the front pew to be used during the invitation time.
6. Place tire puncture strips in the parking lot for cars going the wrong way before Sunday school.
7. Pick a NASCAR driver as your favorite and complain about all the other drivers (this works best in Alabama).
8. Place the roller coaster "You must be this tall" sign at the entrance of the worship center. (And make it stand about 5' 8 1/2")
9. Keep the Christmas pageant livestock in the church choir room year 'round.
10. Announce that on high attendance Sunday, if the goal is met, everyone will kiss the pig!
11. If your auditorium slopes downward to the platform, give every kid under 12 a handful of marbles before the service.
12. Give deacons the ability to "gong" the special music.
13. Place the outdoor welcome center tent a few feet from the septic tank.
14. Replace the pictures of former pastors with pictures of Larry, Moe, and Curly.
15. Start arranging marriages in the singles department.
16. Put a blank for "weight" on the membership information forms.
17. Invite the "cops" crew along during hospital visits.
18. Demand mandatory drug tests for all senior adult excursions.
19. In order to feel relevant, say "Dude" 15 times from the pulpit each Sunday.
20. Have the organist play hockey cheers at pivotal moments of the sermon.
21. Place armed guards in front of the Sunday school supply closet.
22. Before the offertory hymn, have the worship leader scream, "Show me the money!"
23. Charge tolls for the use of restrooms.
24. Illustrate all sermons or Sunday school lessons with scenes from "Walker, Texas Ranger."
25. Use the "American Idol" format for staff hirings.

Written by Matt Tullos. (From the Good Clean Funnies List)

Bet that hurt when it was over!

2008-07-10T11:58:00.000-07:00

Ticklepitcher's Turn: Start

2008-07-10T10:08:00.000-07:00

Ticklepitcher's Turn? What in the world...? OK - I have a "serious" blog where we discuss weighty issues like missions and ministry, the state of the church today in America, etc. I need a fun place to go and put silly stuff that makes me laugh. If it makes you laugh, great! If not, well my wife still tells me I have a weird sense of humor...

But why Ticklepitcher's Turn? My family has an interesting sense of humor. I believe I inherited my particular sense of humor from my father, Bob Lowman, Sr., and from my great-grandfather, Presley Costner, whom we called Poppy. (Both of these men were actually called Poppy by their grandchildren.)

It was Poppy Costner who first had a cast of characters he talked about regularly, men he said would drop by his farm or he knew from the past. We never saw or could verify the existence of these guys, but they were real, to hear Poppy talk about them. Three in particular I remember: Joe Gabbards, Spizzy Winktum, and John Ticklepitcher. Yes, you can tell by the way the names sound, they were great "fictional" characters. He would talk about these gentlemen, and laugh as he talked.

So...I decided to name this blog "Ticklepitcher's Turn" to indicate that here is a place where having fun has it's turn...where we can be silly, laugh, smile, guffaw, and otherwise celebrate the gift of life God has given us.

Visit Ticklepitcher's Turn as often as you like...I hope to have something new here pretty often. It may be a picture, it may be a joke, it may be a story from "real" life...but I hope it makes you smile, at least.

Here goes...