Paraprosdokians #2

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America ?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, you will be a mile away and he won’t have any shoes.

Paraprosdokians

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. Check out the following for examples:

I asked God for a bike, but then I realized He doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked Him for forgiveness.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse always gets the cheese.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation.

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of a pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, "In an emergency, notify:" I always put, "DOCTOR."

I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but always check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You definitely need a parachute to skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some darned good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Hospitality: Making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

(More to come!)

Saturday Humor

It All Comes Back Around

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 17 success is . . . having a driver's license.

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 70 success is . . . having a driver's license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.

Received from ArcaMax Jokes.

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It Started With An iPhone

March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday and I got him an iPhone. He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July and my wife made me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.

September came by, so for my wife's birthday I bought her an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started...

What my wife failed to recognize is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean. This unfortunately activated the iNag app.

Which led me to the iHospital and iGet out Thursday.

Received from Doug Taylor.

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The Apprentice

Mike graduated from high school and began looking into his career options. He considered private business, university, technical college, and a wide variety of other professions, but eventually he decided on an apprenticeship program for plumbers since it was the only place he could get on-the-job draining.

Received from Stan Kegel.

  

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It's Fixed!

My dad, an auto mechanic, received a repair order that read:  "Check for clunking sound when going around corners."

Taking the car out for a test drive, he made a right turn, and a moment later he heard a clunk. He then made a left turn and again heard a clunk.

Back at the shop, he opened the car's trunk, and soon discovered the problem. Promptly he returned the repair order to the service manager with this notation: "Remove bowling ball from trunk."

Received from Thomas Ellsworth.

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Elder Age Texting Codes

ATD = at the doctor

BFF = best friend fell

BTW = bring the wheelchair

BYOT = bring your own teeth

FWIW = forgot where I was

GGPBL = gotta go, pacemaker battery low

GHA = got heartburn again

IMHO = is my hearing aid on?

LMDO = laughing my dentures out

OMMR = on my massage recliner

ROFLACGU = rolling on floor laughing and can't get up

Received from RichnAnna.

Interesting Facts for a Lazy Memorial Day Weekend

1. Debra Winger was the voice of E.T.

2. Pearls melt in vinegar.

3. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.

4. It's possible to lead a cow upstairs, but not downstairs.

5. Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.

6. Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.

7. The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the alphabet. (Developed by Western Union to test telex/two communications.)

8. The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is "uncopyrightable."

9. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

10. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

11. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

12. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

13. The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie"
(thus the name of the Don McLean song).

14. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

15. Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them used to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."

16. Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, 1776: John Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until five years later.

17. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

18. The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

19. The name "Jeep" came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General Purpose" vehicle, G.P.

20. The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.

21. Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

22. If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.

23. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

24. The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game.

25. Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.

26. The mask used by Michael Myers in the original "Halloween" was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white.

27. If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom.

28. Snails can sleep for three years without eating.

29. Actor Tommy Lee Jones and Vice President Al Gore were freshman roommates at Harvard.

30. The fingerprints of koala bears are virtually indistinguishable from those of humans, so much so that they could be confused at a crime scene.

31. Any month that begins on a Sunday will always have a Friday the 13th.

32. James Doohan, who played Lt. Commander Montgomery Scott on Star Trek, was missing the entire middle finger of his right hand.

33. The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.

34. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

Received from Trey Nolen.

Dog Breeds That Just Didn't Make It

Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer = Spaniel Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks (or
drools) incessantly

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by ... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work with you

Bloodhound + Borzoi = Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

A Facebook post that made me laugh...

Today is International Disturbed People's Day. This day is for you. I don't care if you lick windows, take the special bus or occasionally pee on yourself.. You hang in there sunshine, you're special!!!

-posted by Robin C. Burns (Thanks for the smile, Robin!)